This morning started so wet and wild as we travelled at a fast clip across the ocean to a beautiful island in the Red Sea. The rolling waves started in the night as we moved and were so soothing. Then they started to get more intense and we got up, rolling and falling into walls and doors and laughing at how extreme the movement was. A few of the poor girls were so ill and there were pale faces everywhere on deck. I was sitting at the back of the boat, watching the waves and feeling a little despondent for no reason when I felt a voice in the back of my head. Go tell it to the ocean.

Tell what to the ocean? I moved to the front of the boat, gripping the rail. On my way I passed a cabin where one of the girls smiled at me half heartedly from her bucket. I went to the front of the boat and braced myself above the waves and they were BIG. Big enough that I was surprised I wasn’t more nervous. I watched the front of the boat as it climbed each surge and dove to the bottom of it, completely unphased by their size. I jammed my legs into the rails, watched each wave as it surged toward us, and started telling the ocean.

I’m afraid I’m not good enough

I’m afraid I’m not smart enough

I’m afraid I’m not powerful enough

I’m afraid I’m hurtful

I’m afraid I’m disappointing

I’m afraid I’m weird and boring

It just came out and out and out. Some of it was painful. Some of it was so ridiculous it made me smile. It all went into the sea. The spray from the waves whipped up and drenched my legs, my face. I ended up laughing. I felt amazing.

I went back to our cabin and opened my emails for no real reason. One from a person instead of an advertisement - unusual. Subject line: “Hello!”

“I would love to chat to you about possibly publishing your book, as I thoroughly enjoyed it and think it could be a great stand-alone title. Are you free for a video chat before Wednesday next week?”

And just like that, my biggest dream landed in my lap.

YOU WIN UNIVERSE

It was so hard to take in I just sort of smiled and sat there and then went down to breakfast. My heart was pounding to bring it up but I told everyone in the room and their happiness for me was what made me finally able to feel the happiness for myself. I got to experience feeling celebrated and cheered for in the best way, in the Red Sea, surrounded by genuine, uplifting and powerful women. What a perfect way to receive a dream - I’ll remember that moment forever.

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We got up early to the ringing of a bell - dolphins in the water! We had a quick breakfast, jumped on the outboard boat, and hooned out to where the dolphins were. The captain of the wee outboard boat gave us a good pep talk - to not think, just hurl ourselves in backwards. He was right, I didn’t expect to be scared but when it came to it it felt so unnatural to fall backwards into water. I took his advice and launched before I could think about it.

And then- dolphins!

We swam around, following their pods and admiring their grace and athleticism. There were a few other people in the water so you had to be careful not to cop a flipper to the face, but it was all worth it. I realized if you hung back and just cruised, often the dolphins would change direction and end up heading right in your direction. I found myself face to face with a dolphin on my own that way, and it was so special. It reminded me of how when you have smelly desperate energy (thanks Kathrin Zenkina) things avoid you. But if you wait and chill, likely as not it’ll come to you.

We went back to the boat for lunch, and then I got back in the water to check out some coral and fish at the other end. Then I had a nap and felt so happy afterwards in the afternoon, watching the dolphins in the water. We had dinner, enjoyed another beautiful sunset, and then watched the crew as they went fishing off the side of the boat. It was so cool watching them catch a squid! So many fluro flashes in the water.

Up early for a road trip! 4 hours in a comfy bus to Abu Simbel Temple. Love love love stopping at roadside shops and cafes to descend and fill our arms with snacks.

Abu Simbel was just massive. I can’t even explain how incredible it was. These huge statues carved so long ago and just the most ornate carvings and depictions of stories inside. Every detail is so minutely captured in all the hieroglyphs, and all the Pharoahs have the most immaculate winged eyeliner that we could only dream of. Gabriela got the most luscious photos and I felt like a Egyptian princess wandering through the different rooms.

We had lunch in a cute outdoor restaurant and did some shopping, and then got back on the bus to head back to the boat.

The next morning we got up early and boarded a private plane(!) to the Red Sea, where we got on our diving boat. I had a quick swim as soon as I could and then CRASHED OUT for the entire afternoon. Woke up to enjoy the sunset on the front of the boat and just generally feel incredibly spoiled and lucky.

Today we went to the Temple of Isis by boat. We wandered around and got some gorgeous photos in the sun overlooking the water. It was really pleasant weather and the stone looked amazing against the blue sky. We stopped for lunch at this cool dome shaped building which spread funny echoes so it sounded like someone a whole table away was whispering right in your ear. I had one of the most delicious things I’ve ever eaten, a fish tagine, which I had literally never tried before but it was just perfect. I’ll remember that taste until the day I die. I also got to try the traditional coffee! It was so strong and tasted like cloves. Definitely pepped me up for the afternoon.

We got back on the boats and headed out to a Nubian village, where we rode camels! They are IMMENSE. When they stand up you feel like you’re on a boat about to capsize. They’re so sweet and they have long eyelashes and soft fur. I gave mine a little cuddle and it was everything I wanted it to be. His name was Rambo.

We did some shopping, which was great fun and there were so many vibrant things to look at. I ended up getting a blue pashmina and a small piece of artwork. Everything was so brightly coloured. We got to smell pure peppermint, saffron, myrrh, so many herbs and spices in glass jars. I had to contain myself not to come home with eight hundred colourful kettle coasters.

We went by boat to another beach where we danced our little hearts out with some of the villagers. It was so much fun! Then back to the dahabeya to sleep. Did I imagine a year ago that this is what I would be doing today? Absolutely not. I am so glad I said yes to an opportunity to be so surprised and delighted.

This was such a special day. We walked from the Dahabeya onto the riverbank and through shady banana trees to a small family settlement. There we met a woman who showed us her home, her husband and children, her animals, and how to bake bread in an outdoor oven using methods going back 4000 years. We patted the donkey, cow, dogs, chickens, and kittens. She was so vibrant. She told us to be happy with who we were. She felt like a mother spirit. We all drank tea from the Nile with our fresh bread, hugged her goodbye and had tears in our eyes.

We got back on the Dahabeya, sailed, chatted, watched the birds, and Levenna pulled Oracle cards for us. We were only meant to get 2 each but 4 fell out for me and Levenna was like, I ain’t messing with the cards they’re all for you lol. They were all so relevant and special - balancing masculine and feminine energy, caring for creative talents and gifts as if they are delicate new shoots, keeping them safe from criticism, a star with a gift to share with the world, and the desert being there to burn up and transmute anything I no longer needed so I could be born anew. What a selection!

We eventually pulled up on a sandy riverbank and oh man the guys on the boat were so sweet, they set up a private little Nile swimming spot just for us. Ahmed was literally sweeping the sand and trimming the grass so it looked perfect. The Nile was cool, refreshing, cleansing, and everything I could have hoped for. I put my head under. It was the best river swim I’ve had. We lay on the beach chatting, got back in the water, looked at pretty stones, listened to music and watched the river and other boats go by. I got back on the Dahabeya and lay in the sun to dry as the sun went down, then we had a gorgeous dinner on the deck.

So glad to have had a whole day all about Nile. I didn’t know that it would be one of my favourite parts, but it really has been.

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Today we got up in a gorgeous golden glow from the sunrise and had a gentle walk from the Dahibeya into a small coastal town called Esna. Before long we reached a big hollow in the ground and were looking down to the Temple of Khnum. Khnum is the ram headed Egyptian god who created humans on his potter’s wheel. This Temple was smaller (comparatively) to the others we had seen, but I loved it. Our guide Xena told us that for an extremely long time the Temple was mostly buried under mud and sand, and there are sketches from old explorers depicting only the roof, which is all that was visible. One day someone thought to dig a little deeper, and a whole preserved Temple was found underneath. I find that so incredible!

Xena told us a lot about the preserved images and carvings in the walls and ceiling. She pointed out Nuuut, the goddess of the sky and the stars, and the astrology on the ceiling, with all the signs depicted. It was so beautiful. There was also a goddess on the wall called Seshat, who is the goddess of books, scribes, libraries, and architecture. A quick Google search calls her “The Mistress of the House of Books”. My kind of Mistress!

We got back to the Dahibeya and set sail, with free time to lie in the sun and watch the Nile and the Egyptian agricultural villages slowly go by. I didn’t realize it when I booked this trip, but honestly this is just one of my favourite parts. I’ve said it before, but I just can’t get over how peaceful the Nile is. It really is healing. We had tea and biscuits (very British of us), and then a delicious dinner of Shish kebabs on the deck.

After that we stopped at another village for traditional music and dancing!! I watched the girls one by one get pulled into the dance, and I sat there shaking my head no and feeling like an uncoordinated weirdo until I looked around and was like, I am in a rural Egyptian village. In Egypt. It’s dark. There’s dancing. Who cares if I’m a millennial and only have one dance move more suited to metal concerts or 90s raves? (Arms above head, jumping, open eyes optional, in case you’re interested.) I got up. Danced anyway. It was so fun. And I am so unfit. I was gasping for air after 30 minutes. We had some traditional Egyptian desserts, including some kind of rice pudding, and then I piked out and went to bed when they brought out the intensely strong traditional coffee (these bowels are 37 years old guys), with a promise to myself to try it at some daylight point in the trip.

TAKE ME TO EGYPT

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Woke up early and explored the Dahibeya before breakfast. It was so gorgeous, it’s made of wood and the sun was rising and making everything on board just absolutely glow. The deck is huge and has room for couches, a huge dining table, sun loungers to watch the Nile go by, and plenty of dancing space. Breakfast was served up top in the sun and I had probably the best omelette I’ve ever had.

We left the boat and went to the Temple of Hathor. Hathor is the goddess of love and feminine power. There was so much blue in the Temple and all along the ceilings were depictions of huge vultures with their wings outspread. Xena, our guide, explained that vultures are revered as great mothers. They protect their nests, care for their young far longer than many other animals, and if there is nothing to eat they will even use their beaks to cut their own legs to feed their chicks the blood. Tell me why I welled up at that?!

The Temple was huge and it had so many outdoor areas, small rooms and worship spaces. Some were underground, some hidden high up the walls in crawl spaces near the ceiling. The Ancient Egyptians seemed to absolutely revel in their architectural skills, and so they should. You can almost feel the joy in what they created. You could walk up stairs to the top of the Temple and look out over the grounds, and you could also travel underground and see the sacred spaces. There were vast columns absolutely covered in pictures and heiroglyphs, and everywhere these gorgeous calm little cats just sprawled on the ancient history.

We went back to the Dahabiya and set sail and I was just absolutely mesmerized watching the Nile go by. It doesn’t rush, you just silently glide along and look into the water grasses, watch the odd cow, wave at the kids swimming, and relax.

We finished the day with a belly dancing class on deck (remember all the space for dancing?) and oh my God this was SO much fun. Our teacher was just joy and confidence personified and I found myself having the absolute time of my life.

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We visited Karnak temple, which had these vast columns and corridors of sphinxes. I knew today was going to be hot, but I couldn’t fathom how hot. It was 37C, which is the hottest temperature I’ve ever experienced in real life. I’m sweating and uncomfortable at 25C. I covered all my skin with linen, because I knew I’d burn like fuck. So here I was, long shirt, long trousers, covered shoes, an inch of sunscreen thick, just PANTING in the heat and scuttling to the shade whenever I could see it. We found this cute little gift shop where I got the coldest most amazing coke of my life and stood in front of the industrial AC unit watching these gorgeous little kittens tumbling around in the shelves.

We travelled from there to the Valley of the Kings and my face was just dripping this milky mixture of sweat and sunscreen everywhere. We got there and saw they ferry you around on little golf carts which I was SO grateful for. We picked up a bit of speed and a bit of breeze and all was right with the world again. We saw King Tutankhamun which was just so surreal, and went into some other underground spaces which had the most colourful paintings and carvings on the walls. I found a wee rabbit picture which I was very fond of.

After this we boarded our Dahabeya, which is this amazing and HUGE traditional ferry you can take on the Nile. I didn’t see much of it because I went to bed and slept for 12 hours, but that’s okay because we’re staying on it for a few days!

I want to go to Egypt!

We ate breakfast, got on our (air conditioned) bus, and travelled to the Bent Pyramid. It is so fascinating to see the learning in real time (over thousands of years) of how Pyramids were constructed and perfected. I can’t get over the insane math and astrological precision that goes into pyramids. I wish I could understand it but your girl is an English teacher soz. We went inside this one and it was insane, so hot and so claustrophobic but I just breathed and did it and it was insane to be inside something built just an unfathomable amount of time ago. You can touch the walls and the stone which I just couldn’t believe. I did a lot of touching.

They have a really good system inside the Great Pyramid complex (I don’t know why I’m capitalizing these I feel like I need to) where you go to a big centre with all the public toilets you could possibly need and then jump on smaller buses which run on a loop around the sites. I just love efficiency so I have to include it.

We went to lunch at this spot that has a panoramic view of the pyramids and it is like you are back in another world. Every time you look over and catch a glimpse of these things it’s just like I AM HERE. THERE THEY ARE. I think this was actually my favourite part of pyramid day, seeing them grouped together and just what they do to the landscape around them. They are MAGNIFICENT.

Levenna and I were chatting and she mentioned she thought I was meant to activate my angel wings there so we went and stood on the lookout and I felt huge wings erupt from my back. They were pure white and so big and powerful, I could even feel the breeze playing with the feathers. Every time I think back to that moment, even now, I feel them again. I felt Isis’s love and her eyes on us. Then we giggled because everyone was leaving and we had to hustle and be like sorry we were activating our angel wings lol - I REALLY chose the right container for this trip.

We bussed down to the Great Pyramid and it is just so huge. I can’t even put it into words. It is so straight and satisfying and the stone pieces are huge and cool to the touch. We went inside this one as well, and just as I was about to duck in a raven landed nearby and cawed. When we came back out I noticed more of them around the pyramid, they’re Zak’s favourite birds and I did not expect to see them hanging out at the pyramids at all. Very gothic and vibey - Zak would have loved it. We walked through some of the ruins and structures around the pyramids which were fascinating and also saw the Sphinx! By then the heat had gotten to me so I ducked into a gorgeous tea shop with the most incredible air conditioning I had ever felt on my skin. I had a look around, sucking up all the cool, and then ended up buying this cinnamon/chili mix tea which I was assured was “great for energy!” Took it home and read the label - it’s libido tea. HA

We went after this on a felucca on the Nile, and I thought I’d be tired but it was just the perfect vibe, so smooth and peaceful and serene. There was a perfect warm breeze and a beautiful sunset and we just chatted and got to know each other better. It was the perfect end to the day.

I want to go to Egypt!

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We went on a bus through Cairo and had lunch on the Nile at a vegetarian Lebanese restaurant. I grew up with a vegan dad and sister so most of our meals were vegetarian or vegan. We also didn’t have a huge amount of money so we affectionately called our dinners “slop” (I can only imagine how our parents felt about that one) and they usually consisted of some mixture of tinned tomatoes, lentils, and what ever frozen vegetables were on sale. Guys there was absolutely no slop in this restaurant. We ate the most creative and delicious vegetarian food I think I’ve ever seen. We started out giggling every time they brought out yet another plate of food, to outright fear when we were stuffed to the eyeballs and more and more and more came out. It was so funny and so delicious, I felt like a well-fed vegetable princess.

We went from there to another section of the city for a blue lotus activation. I had no idea what this was going to be but we went into a circle in this beautiful room with candles and cushions and shook off some excess energy before beginning. We realised there was an extra cushion in the room and the facilitator said that sometimes that happened for anyone who wanted to attend energetically. We held hands and she invited us to open our hearts and give and receive energy and love. I literally felt pink shooting from my heart and everyone else’s, joining in the centre in joyful arcs. Our hearts were powerful pink lotus flowers. I have never in my life felt that sort of energy. It was so intense and beautiful that I cried and cried. Then the facilitator invited our ancestors and loved ones to join the circle and I cried even harder.

We drank tea made with the blue lotus flower and lay down. The facilitator led us through a hypnosis where we met the goddess of the Nile who cleansed us in the water. When I tell you I could feel its coolness and renewal… Then we met Isis, who blessed us and filled us with light and love. It was such a powerful activation, I had no idea what I was in for and it was like going to another world, guided and sharing with some incredibly powerful women.

Out in the lobby we hung out and found some treasures to buy. There were these calm cats just draped over all the furniture, and I just couldn’t get over them. They were so at peace and so unapologetic. I didn’t realize it then, but there are cats like that all over Egypt. They are so special and healing.

After that we went to a bazaar in the city, which was so loud and joyous and alive. There was music blasting through these ancient buildings and walkways, people everywhere, people selling things from stalls, eating, dancing, and just soaking up the nightlife in the streets. I bought an alabaster Bastet as a nod the cats in Egypt and their energy. We ate dinner on a rooftop overlooking the bazaar with all the sounds floating up to us on the warm air. It was just this incredible experience.

After dinner we ate sweets and listened to some live music and watched the Sufi dancers. There was a hand tambourine guy and he was SUCH a vibe, he was so joyful and funny. The Sufi dancers themselves were incredible to watch, they literally go into a trance and they look so at peace while they spin and spin.

By this point it had been a big day and I was so tired but happy. It had been this amazing mix of going all the way inward in the activation and then all the way outward in the bazaar, participating in life as it happened around us. It was a reminder of balance, that you need both introspection and just straight up fun for a good life. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

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We were driven from the Airport hotel to our boutique hotel in Cairo, and oh man I wish everyone could experience a drive in Cairo. It’s so eye opening and exhilarating. There are no lanes on the road, and everyone toots to let each other know when they’re alongside so they don’t crash into each other. Nearly every single vehicle has at least one dent in the back, and many are totally munted. Car doors are optional. The buildings are all orange brick and stone, and many of them are crumbling. There are signs of obvious poverty and I was reminded again of my privilege to be travelling in the way I was and gratitude for being here.

We travelled further into Cairo and the pace of the streets began to slow down. Now there were dogs lying in the shade and gorgeous trees and flowers hanging over the road. We stopped at our boutique hotel and were ushered in to meet the other girls and Londa. We were given a cool hibiscus juice which was just the perfect touch for that sweaty meeting everybody feeling and I felt like I’d finally arrived.

We had lunch (pumpkin soup) and a swim in the pool where we chatted and got to know each other. It was surreal talking about Egyptian goddesses and synchronicities and the stars and it all being totally normal. Londa got us all these beautiful gifts with a personalized word - mine was wonder. We had dinner in the most gorgeous courtyard and then I went to our room and agonized about if I was too boring to be here. I KNOW. Then I thought about Sekhmet, the lion headed goddess who drenched the sand red with blood in her punishment of humanity. Does Sekhmet, Slayer of Mankind, have a worthiness wound? She does not. Sekhmet is loved as she was created. Be like Sekhmet.

Click here to go to Egypt

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So day one - I flew in a day early to get on top of the jet lag after 30 hours of travel and I’m SO glad I did. I’m an aisle seat girl every step of the way because I feel like I’m going to fucking DIE if I can’t move around every hour while I’m awake. Give me the trolley bumping my arm, people’s legs and probably crotches brushing against my face while I’m sleeping, I’ll take it all. We did some weird convoluted stopover in Sydney where we got off the plane, went through security for an hour, and then got back on the plane. I paid for some USD then went by the perfume spritzers in duty free and sprayed some on a tester card and surreptitiously slotted it into my wallet next to the cash because why does USD always seem to smell faintly like poo?! Is this a money belief?!?! Then I got back on the plane and slept for 8 hours to Dubai. I’m lucky like that.

In Egypt I went straight from the bag claim to the airport hotel like two seconds down the road so I didn’t see much. For the first hour I felt like a huge knob because I just do not understand tipping at ALL. I am SO awkward about it. I pretty much gave everyone who said hello to me $5 and called it a day. The airport hotel was SO gorgeous, and the one person I completely forgot to tip was the kind lady who said that she was sneaking me into my room two hours before the formal check in time. The room was lush in shades of sand and terracotta, the bed was ginormous, and I went promptly to bed where I lay awake wondering why I am just so awkward and why can’t I just be normal for a change.

The next day I woke up and had a big pep talk to myself about how I’m not very polished but I GOT HERE and I can enjoy this experience as myself, even awkwardly. Then I had breakfast at the buffet and without asking the server brought me:

• water

• strawberry juice (it’s very fresh you must try it!)

• sugarcane juice I think? (it’s very fresh you must try it!)

• a plate of mango (it’s very fresh you must try it!)

Then I lay by the pool and felt VERY well cared for and spoilt and happy. One of the attendants asked me why I was sitting in the shade and not the sun and if I was British because I was so very pale and that he hoped next time he saw me I was not so pale. I feel gently teased all the time already here in Egypt but I feel like I’m in on the joke and I love it.

Some older men in the elevator:

“You look like you love it here in Cairo.”

“I do! I love it.”

“We can see it.”

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After moping around I tried to remember what brings me joy and it’s usually seeing my family - so I booked a random trip. It was SUCH a boost and worth the flight to the North Island. I stayed with my sister and her new baby for a few days, ate food, and generally lay around wasting space - but this time with someone else!

I’ve been trying to talk to my guides more so I asked them for $100 and found some cash I’d forgotten about in a drawer! Then I asked for $3000 and one of our dogs (Nugget) promptly ate a corn cob. She had to be operated on by TWO vets going hand over hand through her entire intestines to find said corn cob AND have her spleen removed, which cost $3000. But. Because I work there: $2000 off the bill, and then because she is a working dog (she herds sheep) - Mike’s boss footed the rest of it. So did I receive $3000 or did I call in a $3000 bill which was then wiped just to keep me on my toes? What is the lesson? Is it all a big cosmic joke and am I in on it?

Been reading Project 369 - Wealth Consciousness, it’s a bit of a workbook which has firm guidelines and sections to fill in. I find it strangely strict and satisfying. Anyway the author David Kasneci states that ideas make money, often more so than hard work. So while I was travelling I asked for some ideas and (this is the most important part) got off my phone. On the drive I received so many ideas for my writing, and also a hilarious download for a tinder-style app for doggy playdates where you could select your dog’s temperament and what you were aiming for. I googled it and it exists in at least 3 forms already. But what a great idea!

Anyway this is bitsy and there’s another gap coming up I’m afraid because all I basically did after this entry was get ready for EGYPT

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I think looking at these entries so far that I’m afraid to admit what I already know - that this reception job isn’t for me. I don’t feel excited. I look at my journal entries from last year when I enjoyed my job and they’re all so grateful. There were lessons I learned from working from home - e.g. not to get into a habit of sleeping all the time, but at least I wasn’t feeling stuck.

Okay, so what am I going to do?

For now:

• Read everything I want to

• Go to Egypt

• Save money

• Job search

The lesson learned from these last two jobs:

No matter what, I need to be doing SOMETHING (with people, with purpose) during the day.

“I DO like my job. I like going in, working, going home, and not thinking hard at all. I like the free time. I like the customer service and not being alone. And it’s not too stressful! I’ve been getting down about the lack of purpose and my salary (editor’s note - $33,000 annually in USD) but some discounts have been coming my way as well. It’s amazing. What a download. I feel so much better. Honestly.”

The “honestly” gets me.

It continues-

Am I turning a blog about manifesting into one about just being happy with what I’ve got? I’ve been semi enjoying my job - it’s busy, it keeps me entertained, I get paid regularly, sometimes there are animals.

I am LITERALLY scraping the barrel here. You can almost hear the desperation in my voice.

I finish the blog post with a glimmer of hope - there’s a few empty lines and then this small voice:

Am I just giving up because it’s easier?

SO. GRIM. I am lolling

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Gorged ourselves on fast food, visited friends for a couple drinks and more rugby watching (on the TV, I am a SPORTS person now - don’t ask me who’s playing though), and then went home to fall asleep on the couch in front of the delicious fire.

Many of these winter weekends have had a similar routine with really wholesome hours of walking, hanging out with friends (even if it’s just watching Alone Australia in the same room for ten hours and eating food), and relaxing by the fire. I don’t know how people wear hiking boots all day though because my legs are so tired after like 2km. Piddly!

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This was a weird week. I switched this blog temporarily to private (see note below) and had a doctor appointment where I didn’t ask about my sore hip because I was weird about not wanting to waste her time with a question that is literally her job to look into. I know, I know. Voice. Throat chakra.

Came home and had a bath and had a go at my first spirit guide meditation to meet my spirit guides, courtesy of Levenna. I’m that person who believes in spirit guides but doesn’t want to bother my ones because they might be busy. Is anyone else shy with their own guides or am I completely beyond help at this point?

Anyway, Levenna has this gorgeous free workshop here for meeting and connecting with your guides. Following her guidance, I created the silver ball and called on Archangel Michael to help me to receive parts of myself I may have lost over different lifetimes.

The ball moved to a space in the universe, and I found myself on a road in the galaxy with a warrior guide standing with a spear or a staff. He had orange hair and he was wearing a fur. He was heavyset and powerful and I got a sense of stability and power - close to arrogance - from him. He was a warrior and he had never lost, not really. I wasn’t sure if he was a guide, or what I supposed to do. I got a sense he may even have been a version of me that I had lost. He felt so strong and calm and capable. I felt like I could lean on him and he would always be in that spot, totally unflappable. I’m not sure if he had a message for me but I wondered if his strength and certainty in himself was something I was calling in, something I was yearning for.

Earlier I had listened to myself on my call with Levenna and I was saddened by how unsure of myself I sounded. I always think that of the survival responses of flight, freeze, fight, or fawn, I always go straight to fawn. It saddens me to hear it in my voice, see it in my face. If this big-ass ginger warrior is a guide or even a part of me, I’m happy.

Postscript - This was also the day I switched this blog to private - I started to feel like it was self serving (it is) and not really worth sharing (jury is out on that one). We’re back now, obviously, because I’ve decided that the only cure for doubts is to charge ahead and drown them in action before they can catch up with you. I committed to one year, so I’m bloody well doing it - the lessons are in the doing.

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It’s hard to describe how this went. I was a little nervous, feeling like I should have prepared something. But Levenna had everything covered. We chatted a little and then launched into it. She had tapped into my energy before the call and already had so many accurate examples of how I was feeling and what was going on which she shared with me - a lot of it about feeling stuck, not just in my career but in my growth and spirituality. She took the reins and I just got to relax while she read my energy and verbally cleared anything that she found. She cleared and deleted so much old stagnant shit - I felt myself getting lighter and lighter. I smiled a lot as she talked, and found myself feeling joyful. At the end I felt like a rotten old pond had been emptied that I didn’t even know had been pooling somewhere in the back of my mind. She left me with the message to rely on my guides, ways to connect to my intuition, and to trust in it and in them. I felt tired afterwards, in a good way. I felt trusting. I felt like everything is unfolding as it should.

I walked to the bakery over the road in the sunrise and bought myself lunch, and generally felt very spoilt, clear, and proud of myself.

If you’re feeling like you want to get a little deeper with your intuition, connect with guides, or even just know what energy is around you, I HIGHLY recommend Levenna. She is so knowledgeable and calm, and she is the real deal. Find her here!

1. working,

2. worrying about work at night,

3. beating myself up for being the sort of person who worries about work in the night

Our casual worker came in halfway through these weeks for a couple of hours and it was like being sent an angel - she sorted out so much and I felt SO much better. It made me (re) realize how important it is to not try be the best at everything or make things perfect when they are innately not, and allow myself to rely on others and let them not only help me but make me feel safe and cared for. I was so grateful by the end of the day. I felt like I (re) learned the lesson about not taking on other peoples shit to stress about.

As soon as I started congratulating myself for learning that, I got snowed in. Just to make sure I really got it. I stressed about how I was going to get there on Monday - trying to organise tractors and snow ploughs - until I realized it wasn’t for me to decide. I couldn’t control the weather, and if I couldn’t safely get to work - I wasn’t going. I took Monday off and I’m so glad I did. Our casual came in and handled everything and nobody died. I think I learned it?!

Got up reasonably early and drove under the sunrise to the airport where everything went off without a hitch - Mike and I both slept most of the 2 hour flight and then spent the rest of the day with family. So good to see siblings and parents and aunties and uncles, I’m so grateful we have this time together - it feels like a bit of a golden age where we can all enjoy each other’s company - although maybe I’m just more aware and grateful for it now.

Had enough time to squeeze in a round of disc golf with my family - this was such a low stress wedding all I had to do was turn up at 2pm. Got ready and felt pretty even though I’ve been struggling with ptosis in one eye and lately it’s been all I can see about myself. I think I’m slowly starting to let it go though and focus on the positives e.g. SIGHT and LIFE

The wedding was a casual and beautiful ceremony with really sweet vows and some tears. The weather was cold but the sun was warm, and we enjoyed some drinks and food back at the house. My back and hips started killing me at about 5pm which was such a downbuzz - I can’t believe I’m someone who gets a sore body from just standing now. Got my sister to pick me up at 7pm and felt old with a sore hip the whole way home. Worth it for the amount of gratitude I felt to lie down in her spare bed though!

Managed to squeeze in another round of disc golf with my family and generally just spend the day visiting people and laughing and feeling happy.

We did our last visits with both families, and then to the airport and drove home after touching down. Had a great day laughing with Mike.

Gratitude:

• Family

• Weddings

• Spare beds